Dating

I'm really to get back out there again in the dating work. I ended a 2 year relationship in December and since then, I've gone out on dates but nothing serious. I'll be 36 in July and every year this time, I start thinking about a long term relationship. I have a number of guys, that I'm communication with on a few dating sites that I signed up with but I havn't been anyone yet. One of them that lives in Baltimore will be in town the week of the 9th, lets see if we meet up and if we do, how it will turn out. Wil I be 40 and still single, I hope not.

Yoga

Yoga is an excellent way to help beat depression, build flexibility, and strength. I was feeling tired and after doing a little bit of cardio and yoga, I felt so much better from the boost of endophines from the session. Whenever I'm feeling tired and depressed, a bit of mindfulness from yoga always lifts my spirit.

Long Time

I've been kind of hibernating for the last couple of weeks. I work everyday on trying to be what I call "Zen" which is being positive, happy, being fair to everyone, embracing love or pain, not hiding from what is going on, and being conscious of what going on around me. I did let some negative things get to me but I'm tired of being tired. Sometimes I cry and it hurts and I ask myself "why me?" I'm a good person that deserves better. I told myself that I was going to be happy this year and I was not going to give into self pity and depression. I found this great book, The Wisdom of No Escape, which is teaching me that you should not trying to avoid pain, it's impossible. You have to go through it, learn, and overcome it. I'm working on my meditation practice to overcome unhappiness by reminding myself to let go of simple small mindedness things. My ultimate goal is happiness, gentleness, honesty, and leaving positive energy after every foot prints.

Meditation

Traditional medicine makes me feel stable at times but it does not provide a cure for my mental illness. This year I've been trying to learn more about alternative healing such as meditation, acupunture, Buddism principles and other relaxing or what I call zen methods. I pretty much meditate everyday. I use guided meditation alot because meditation is hard. Some time, I will put on some meditation music from calm meditation on Pandora or other podcast from my IPod. I does help to relax me, but I need to be more consistent. My body feels kind of tight right now, so I'm going to do about 30 minutes of yoga and do some work.

Weekend

This weekend was kind of eventful. I slept alot but still found the time to squeeze in a date. When out to date with someone that like me. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm tired of liking someone and then have it not work out. This is a guy that I've know for some time. He is good looking but I never took him seriously before, not sure if I do now. Having depression and anxiety and trying to meet the right man to have a meaningfuly relationship with is very difficult. I've meet alot of great guys but it never works out. I've been married and he was the reason why I filed for divorce but I now realize that I did play a part in the break up. I'm over him now, and wish him the best. Out of the blue this week, he texted to see how things are going? I didn't respond because I don't want any form of interaction with him, I thought that he knew that.

Lately I through alot about having a baby. Before I never tried because I wanted to be married and did not want to be a single parent. Now I wonder if I'll ever meet Mr. Right? Maybe I should try before all of my eggs dry up. I went out to dinner last week and two of my friends have been trying for over a year and have been taking medication and they are still not pregnant. I love children and have always wanted to be a mother but at the same time, is it selfish to do it on my own? I dont' want my child go miss out on a father.

I also worry about if I could handle it with anxiety and depression. Plus I also have migraine headaches. Could I make it for nine months with no medication? Lord, it's alot to think about.

Life is Hard

Life is hard. It should be the easiest thing to just feel good every day and be grateful. I love hip hop and I saw that Nate Dogg dies today. He was 41. It makes you realize how short life is and that we should enjoy life, be good to others, and don't take things for granted. I'm really trying to work on my depression and anxiety. Some days are better than others. Today was average. I don't think everyday about dying like I used to do sometimes. I'm exploring being positive and using some alternative medicine because the traditional ones are like maintaince drugs.

Rough Day

Today is just like yesterday... Who loves and care about me. I feel like all i have is my dog. I'm going to listen to some soothing music and have a glass of wine. I was doing so well but now, I'm regressing. I don't feel like going on.

Sick

Today was a rough day at work. Every day I work hard and get no appreciation for it. I'm trying to figure out if i still love what I'm doing and if it's the right thing for me.

I feel really lonely today. I hav'nt called any of the guys that I'm talking to and they have not called me either. Obviously they do not care about me. It's times like this that I realize how much I don't have. I don't have a husband, any children, or anyone right now that I feel like I can talk to.

I tried to cheer myself up by doing some shopping. I'm embracing alternative medicine and try to be zen, so I bought lavender oil which should relax you when you're sleeping and a variety of incense. I also bought three picturew with the words and Chinese sign for love, peace, and happiness. I also bought a fixture with a mirror in the middle and dimonds going around it. I'm hoping it will make my room more pretty and peaceful. I need constant reminders to try everything to remain peaceful and happy.

Tired

I'm feeling sad today. I'm tired of feeling sad and depressed. Why is this so hard to get rid of? I feel like I have no one that I can talk to. They don't understand and I think that they are tired of hearing about my problems anyways.

I'm watching E News watching Charlie Sheen throwing his life down the drain. I don't think it's just drugs. It might not be drugs. He has some serious mental health issues. His life is a train wreck. I love Two and a Half Men and it's sad that it's over. It won't be the same without him. CBS should have tried to help him instead of firing him.

I'm really tired so I'm going to get ready for bed. I wish that it was Friday because I don't feel like working. I have so much to do though and I can't keep taking time off. I'm tired of making excuses regarding missing work. It's no one's business anyways but you don't want to say "mind you're own business" even though it's how I feel.

Old Friend

Spoke to an ex yesterday and of course he told me how much he missed me and wanted me to give him another chance. I guess that he wants me to give him another chance to make me unhappy again. Of course I'm not going to do it. I'm so over dating. I'm really working hard to handle my depression and my anxiety about being alone forever, no children.. no husband... that so of thing. I have good days and bad day. I'm trying something new lately. I'm seeing an acupunturist and working on natural health care and trying to keep the negativity out of my life. It has affected the realationship that I have with the people in my life but as the doctor said, if someone leaves my life, then I should let them go. They were not supposed to be in my life. I believe that. It's hard because I think that I'm a beautiful person inside, a good friend, and family member but things do not work out for me. I had a break through a few month ago when the doctor that told my acupunture told me that I see myself as a victim. That was so profound for me. People have said that to me that using those exact words made a difference for me. I realized that I expect things to go back for me. I expect people not to love me, hurt me, and betray me. It was not conscious to me but when she said that to me, it made me realize that I felt that way and it's one of the reasons why I'm so unhappy. Mental Health issues are a drag. Most of the time, I just feel like being left alone. Other times, I just want to go out have a good time, lose myself and don't think about all of my problems.