Meditation

Traditional medicine makes me feel stable at times but it does not provide a cure for my mental illness. This year I've been trying to learn more about alternative healing such as meditation, acupunture, Buddism principles and other relaxing or what I call zen methods. I pretty much meditate everyday. I use guided meditation alot because meditation is hard. Some time, I will put on some meditation music from calm meditation on Pandora or other podcast from my IPod. I does help to relax me, but I need to be more consistent. My body feels kind of tight right now, so I'm going to do about 30 minutes of yoga and do some work.

Weekend

This weekend was kind of eventful. I slept alot but still found the time to squeeze in a date. When out to date with someone that like me. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm tired of liking someone and then have it not work out. This is a guy that I've know for some time. He is good looking but I never took him seriously before, not sure if I do now. Having depression and anxiety and trying to meet the right man to have a meaningfuly relationship with is very difficult. I've meet alot of great guys but it never works out. I've been married and he was the reason why I filed for divorce but I now realize that I did play a part in the break up. I'm over him now, and wish him the best. Out of the blue this week, he texted to see how things are going? I didn't respond because I don't want any form of interaction with him, I thought that he knew that.

Lately I through alot about having a baby. Before I never tried because I wanted to be married and did not want to be a single parent. Now I wonder if I'll ever meet Mr. Right? Maybe I should try before all of my eggs dry up. I went out to dinner last week and two of my friends have been trying for over a year and have been taking medication and they are still not pregnant. I love children and have always wanted to be a mother but at the same time, is it selfish to do it on my own? I dont' want my child go miss out on a father.

I also worry about if I could handle it with anxiety and depression. Plus I also have migraine headaches. Could I make it for nine months with no medication? Lord, it's alot to think about.

Life is Hard

Life is hard. It should be the easiest thing to just feel good every day and be grateful. I love hip hop and I saw that Nate Dogg dies today. He was 41. It makes you realize how short life is and that we should enjoy life, be good to others, and don't take things for granted. I'm really trying to work on my depression and anxiety. Some days are better than others. Today was average. I don't think everyday about dying like I used to do sometimes. I'm exploring being positive and using some alternative medicine because the traditional ones are like maintaince drugs.

Rough Day

Today is just like yesterday... Who loves and care about me. I feel like all i have is my dog. I'm going to listen to some soothing music and have a glass of wine. I was doing so well but now, I'm regressing. I don't feel like going on.

Sick

Today was a rough day at work. Every day I work hard and get no appreciation for it. I'm trying to figure out if i still love what I'm doing and if it's the right thing for me.

I feel really lonely today. I hav'nt called any of the guys that I'm talking to and they have not called me either. Obviously they do not care about me. It's times like this that I realize how much I don't have. I don't have a husband, any children, or anyone right now that I feel like I can talk to.

I tried to cheer myself up by doing some shopping. I'm embracing alternative medicine and try to be zen, so I bought lavender oil which should relax you when you're sleeping and a variety of incense. I also bought three picturew with the words and Chinese sign for love, peace, and happiness. I also bought a fixture with a mirror in the middle and dimonds going around it. I'm hoping it will make my room more pretty and peaceful. I need constant reminders to try everything to remain peaceful and happy.

Tired

I'm feeling sad today. I'm tired of feeling sad and depressed. Why is this so hard to get rid of? I feel like I have no one that I can talk to. They don't understand and I think that they are tired of hearing about my problems anyways.

I'm watching E News watching Charlie Sheen throwing his life down the drain. I don't think it's just drugs. It might not be drugs. He has some serious mental health issues. His life is a train wreck. I love Two and a Half Men and it's sad that it's over. It won't be the same without him. CBS should have tried to help him instead of firing him.

I'm really tired so I'm going to get ready for bed. I wish that it was Friday because I don't feel like working. I have so much to do though and I can't keep taking time off. I'm tired of making excuses regarding missing work. It's no one's business anyways but you don't want to say "mind you're own business" even though it's how I feel.